Day 5 – My Heart Is Breaking A Little Bit

Today was a hard day. Not that it was any worse than any other COVID-19 day, not really, but it felt harder. Every conversation felt fraught. Every decision had to be measured. Every choice felt wrong.

For two days I have felt a tightening in my chest, and not in the “I had better get tested” kind of way, but in the “holy shit, the whole world is stopping” kind of way. For 2 days, I doubled my Ativan and played loud music and went for walks and drank tea, and it sort of quelled it. But today? Today my inner beasts got the better of me and the tightening in my chest gave way to gut wrenching, wracking sobs. Not once, not twice, but all. Day. Long.

When I am not sobbing, I am stressing and on the verge of tears. Trying not to think about crying. I am scared. I am afraid. I am frustrated. I am angry. I cannot keep up. Information changes day by day; hell, we’re at the point where it changes minute by minute. What is allowable in the morning is forbidden by the afternoon. What we should do is suddenly something that we must do. The messages are mixed.

“Get outside! It’s good for your mental and physical health!”

“Why are you outside? Flatten the curve, you selfish bitch!”

“Stay in contact with loved ones. But not that kind of contact!”

“Stay in your homes with your immediate families, but also stay away from your family members!! Self quarantine within your self quarantine!”

“Well, you don’t need to be that extreme, come on now! Don’t you think you are being a bit silly?”

If there is one thing that I need in my life, it is rules. I feel safe when someone tells me exactly what to do, when to do it, and how. I am a people pleaser. I try to be everything to everyone. So when the goal post keeps wandering off, I feel so confused and unmoored. I think I am doing the right thing, only to turn around and find out the right thing was two left hand turns ago, and now I am well into “wrong thing” territory.

I am grateful for texting. I am grateful for FaceTime. I am grateful for a flexible organization that’s setting us up to work from home. I am grateful that Dave is past the worst of his cancer. I am grateful for my family and my bestest friends. I am grateful for #quarantwine delivered by ninja cars. I am grateful for my group of meme texts. I am grateful for my parents bringing us all the seafood. I am grateful for my doctor doing telephone appointments. I am grateful for a safe, warm home to keep my kids inside. I am grateful to live in a country where our people are cared for and the government is taking measures to protect us. I am grateful for so much. But today? Today, I’m still sad. I am grateful, but I am frustrated. I am grateful, but I am confused. I am grateful, but I am afraid.

Today was a hard day. Not really any harder, and probably not the hardest. Just hard. If you’re having a hard day, remember, like the East High Wildcats, we’re all in this together. It sucks. But at least we aren’t alone.

Ashley Tisdale - we’re all in this together

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