Originally intended to simply focus on book reviews, over time, KaliDesautelsReads has morphed into its own entity.
I write about issues that are near to my heart, be they political, feminist, motherhood, mental health, or, as the title holds, books.
A thirty-something Canadian woman in my mid-thirties, I have been “super married” to my high school sweetheart since 2006, and together we have two crazy, clever, kind, hilarious, wonderful kids.
My first book – How Not To Blog: Finding Myself, One Post at a Time is available on Amazon (in eBook formats for you clever tech readers, and paperback for those of us who love that new book smell!)
I have tried a podcast – it’s still on Apple and Google Podcasts – but writing is where my heart is.
My life changed dramatically when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer in 2018, and I am now a writer for a leading Canadian Cancer Non-Profit.
I am lucky enough to have a family that loves me and pushes me to be my best, even if it is outside of my cushiony comfort zone. I have a village of friends that nourish me, mentally, and spiritually.
Welcome to my thoughts. Sit down. Stay a while. Enjoy a cup of coffee!
Everest Month 3 – Dave found a new hill for me… it is insane! The first pic is from him at the top of the hill with me at the bottom… that’s how long/steep the hill is… you can’t even see me. Second is the most zoomed in he could get… me at the bottom of the hill lol
The summer is here, and it seems that Dave felt I was ready for a challenge.
CHAOS is the True Crime story that you never knew you were looking for. From the opening line “Vincent Bugliosi was on another tirade” to the very last line “”Exactly,” I said”, I was beyond hooked. Focusing on the Tate-LaBianca murders as a jumping off point for his research, O’Neill covers 20 years of reporting that is at times an uncovering of hidden or ignored evidence and at times as pulpy a conspiracy theory.
Starting with the discovery that Bugliosi may have created the theory of Helter Skelter to create a reason for incomprehensible violence and evil, Terry Melcher’s (Doris Day’s son) relationship with the Manson Family, and The hedonistic lifestyle of the Hollywood elite in the 1960’s, all the way through to the CIA’s use of LSD for mind control, the Haight-Ashbury Free Medical Clinic, and the Kennedy Assassination, O’Neill weaves an engaged story that had me turning all 503 pages in less than 24 hours. This book is based on evidence, with the human aspect of O’Neill’s self-proclaimed obsession with all aspects of the Manson Family. I could not stop reading this in part due to my fascination with contemporary history, and in part to see what the next idea that O’Neill explores would be.
If you are looking for an easy, engaging read, that will titillate, cause your skin to crawl, and also make you feel like you are uncovering these mysteries with O’Neill, pick up CHAOS – it is an awesome summer read.
Also – it is just in time for the 50th Anniversary of the Tate-LaBianca murders in Aug 9-10, which makes the information all the more intriguing.
I have never been this unhappy in my entire life. I have been more depressed. I have been sicker. I have been more anxious. I have felt like a bigger failure. I have never been this unhappy.
When I am in the throes of a major depressive episode, I think “I am so tired. Life sucks and then you die.” When I am so sick that I can barely move, I think “I feel so horrible, I think I am going to die.” When I am suffering an anxiety attack, I think “oh my god, I am going to die.” When I feel like a failure, I think “well, I might as well be dead, since I have nothing to offer the world.” (You’ll notice that no matter which level of the spectrum I am at, I am pretty dramatic, and death factors in.)
Right now, I don’t feel like the whole world is awful. I know that I am doing my best. I know that I have multiple genuine causes for anxiety. I know that stress makes the body feel sick and weak. I know that there are good things in this world and in life. I feel unending gratitude, which is a significant departure from the numbness and void of depression. I see the beauty in nature. I smile at babies. I cuddle with my kids. I laugh with my friends. But I am desperately, hopelessly, despairingly unhappy.
I am unhappy because I do not know what is going to happen. I feel a complete lack of control in my life. I am unhappy because I am scared. I do not know if my family will be stronger or crumble under the weight of 2019. I am unhappy because my kids are scared and unhappy. I am unhappy because I am overwhelmed. I am unhappy because I do not know how I will manage. I am unhappy because my husband is undergoing major surgery in less than a week. I am unhappy because no matter how much I prepare, I will never be ready. I am unhappy because there is an expectation that I should not be. There is an expectation that I should be fine with my partner of more than 20 years having this surgery, because he will be “fine”. I am unhappy because he is undergoing a surgery that has only been done 1000 times in Canada, and they are not sure about the long term likelihood of cancer reoccurring.
I am tired of being told everything will be fine, because even if it will be fine, it’s not right now; and as much as I want to remain positive, I need to be mindful of our present moment, and this moment sucks. I am unhappy and I need to be allowed to be unhappy. I am hopeful, and thinking positive things, and feel gratitude, and am trying to establish boundaries, and say no, and not take on more than I can handle, and all the things that I am supposed to do in my present situation. But it still sucks. And I am still more unhappy than I have ever been in my life.
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Seriously, though, I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are the absolute yang to my yin, and I literally cannot remember you not being around, so I honestly don’t know. You are funny, outgoing, and an excellent uncle to my kids. You are thoughtful, supportive, and empowering. You are the best brother ever, and I love you more now than ever. I’m really happy to be able to say that, because I am surprised you didn’t kill me as a child for the sheer fact that “snitches end up in ditches” and my god I was always telling on you.
So thanks for living til your 35th bday, and being amazing.
Yesterday my doctor told me that Caregiver Fatigue is real. She explained that in addition to my own very real, and very present, health issues, I am allowed to feel worn out. Yesterday, my brother sent me a meme saying that it’s ok to fall apart, because even tacos fall apart and we still love them. Yesterday, my sister(in-law) and I shared our frustrations. Yesterday, Dave’s surgery date was confirmed. Yesterday, I cried at lunch with my mom. Yesterday, I missed my morning fitness class, but made it to my pm yoga class. Yesterday, my daughter stayed up late talking to me about her worries. Yesterday, the engagement pod I run kept glitching. Yesterday, my sister told me to let her know when she would be watching my kids. Yesterday, I fell apart more than I wanted to.
But to paraphrase Anne Shirley, today is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.
Beach, please!! If you know me, you know there is almost nothing I like more than a good pun.
This morning, I missed my fitness class with my friends, but instead of calling it a day, eating a box of double stuffed Oreos, and crawling into bed with my book, I have come back to get my yoga on. It has been so helpful to my peace of mind (which has been freaking hard to come by lately) to get my walks in, and to come to my mat. Tomorrow morning, I will have my first training session at Nacc Fitness, trying to establish some semblance of health and normalcy. I am pretty proud of myself for eating one Oreo and trying again, rather than giving up on the day.
Tuesday and I have had a very long hate-hate relationship, so I have decided to that from now on, even if Tuesday wants to hate me, I am not paying it mind. I am going to be all about a happy Tuesday and a great day, because you teach people how you want to be treated. If Tuesday thinks I am ok with being grumpy and looking for the back, it will keep going. So Tuesday, I wish you coffee and sunshine.
I love that when the weather goes weird, the chance of seeing a rainbow becomes high. It’s hard not to be hopeful when I spend the day looking for rainbows.
Happy Saturday! In my zeal to celebrate my creator status after reaching 10K followers, apparently I have “over engaged” and have been blocked from following or liking anything an indeterminate period of time. So, I am going to take this as a sign that it is time for a weekend off and focus on my own self care and caring for my husband, since my mom has graciously taken the kiddos for the weekend.
Kali J Desautels 