Originally intended to simply focus on book reviews, over time, KaliDesautelsReads has morphed into its own entity.
I write about issues that are near to my heart, be they political, feminist, motherhood, mental health, or, as the title holds, books.
A thirty-something Canadian woman in my mid-thirties, I have been “super married” to my high school sweetheart since 2006, and together we have two crazy, clever, kind, hilarious, wonderful kids.
My first book – How Not To Blog: Finding Myself, One Post at a Time is available on Amazon (in eBook formats for you clever tech readers, and paperback for those of us who love that new book smell!)
I have tried a podcast – it’s still on Apple and Google Podcasts – but writing is where my heart is.
My life changed dramatically when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer in 2018, and I am now a writer for a leading Canadian Cancer Non-Profit.
I am lucky enough to have a family that loves me and pushes me to be my best, even if it is outside of my cushiony comfort zone. I have a village of friends that nourish me, mentally, and spiritually.
Welcome to my thoughts. Sit down. Stay a while. Enjoy a cup of coffee!
You know that feeling when you first start to feel sick and your body just starts to shut down on you? Your head starts to pound, your throats hurts, your ears ring and your whole body aches? You feel like if you don’t find a pillow and a flat surface in the next 15 mins you might actually just collapse? That’s sort of what the opening salvo of a fibro flare feels like.
Triggers of a flare can include, but are not limited to:
stress
fatigue
poor nutrition
a wind from the east
the arrival of a new dawn
walking up stairs
a flock of crows flying out of a tree at once
the Flying Dutchman
the wail of the Banshee
Hellhounds
the Green Lady of Stirling Castle
Crop Circles
Low pressure systems in the Antarctic.
Of course this list is by no means extensive, and the treatments are as varied as the causes, so try anything from sleeping for 40 days, to incantations, to goofa powder.
If it sounds crazy, that’s because it is. If it sounds made up, it’s not. They just have so little understanding of what causes a flare that those of us with fibromyalgia (aka mysterious muscular and joint pain with no explanation) are just over here doing our best to be normal. Ish.
We are into May. How this happened, I have no idea. It’s funny because even when we stand still, time keeps moving forward. The dead branches of the winter trees have already seen blooms and are changing to leaves. The grass is greener, the air is warmer. The curve is flattening in my part of the world and we are beginning to turn our attention to relaxing restrictions about public gatherings.
It’s weird because this is good news, but it is tinged with trepidation about what a post-quarantine world will be. The anxiety about another outbreak leading to another quarantine. The fear of the Second Wave and praying that it does not touch the ones that you love (or anyone else, for that matter.) Trying to determine how to maintain social distancing while reconnecting our communities.
There is the other anxiety, too, however. The one that says that if we don’t get back to work, we will go broke. The one that says that we need to get outside and to connect with our people. The one that scares us if we have to stay indoors with our thoughts for much longer.
My point is that as humans we will be anxious. We will worry one way or the other. Time will keep moving whether we worry about things or not. There are two sides to every coin, and we cannot be afraid all of the time. Well, I guess we can, but it won’t do any good.
So today, I ask – what is your concern? Are you more anxious about staying quarantined or being released from quarantine? How are you managing that? I guarantee that no matter how you feel, there is at least one other person, probably even someone that you know, who feels similarly.
The kids are following their auntie Bren’s lead by having a year of special holidays in one month. Today is Daddy’s “birthday”, so the kids were taking their dad to a “live” football match in the living room. There was a good deal of net repair, but the enthusiasm and Daddy’s smile was undeniable. He even tried to eat the Hawaiian Sweetbun sandwiches and chocolate cake his little girl made for him.
If there is one thing that this quarantine has taught us is that while everyday may not be great or even good, there is something great or good in everyday, and just when it seems like we cannot have fun, there is a way to make even our living rooms special. You just need a good imagination and the willingness to laugh ❤️
How is this my life???? I am so lucky it’s not even funny!! I will be fangirling over this for weeks.
If you know me, you know that the Barenaked Ladies are my favourite band. Trendy bands come and go, but BNL is forever. Through the 11 weeks of quarantine, they have been entertaining anyone with a social media account or access to YouTube with little performances that they call the #SelfieCamJam. This week, they started their performance with a shout out to the Canadian Cancer Society and our Emergency COVID-19 Fund, which is a fund that we have created to continue to offer life changing and often life saving services to Canadians living with cancer during these unprecedented and isolating times.
You know the CCS where I get to work??? Yeah – the Barenaked Ladies was talking about the NPO where I have the honour of working.
Yesterday, I went for a walk. I was heading for my brother and sister-in-law’s house, and ended up nowhere near it. They live about 3.5km from me. I ended up in parts of my town that I had no idea even existed, and was so lost I am not sure I could find my way back if I had directions.
It is important to note that getting lost is nothing new for me. I am so directionally-challenged that my husband bought me a GPS for my car when TomToms were a thing. If you ask me for street names, I will maybe know 4 out of 8. But if you ask me how to get to most of them, it’s unlikely to end well. This doesn’t bother me, however. It used to, because I was convinced that some boogeyman was in the brush waiting to haul me off into the darkness (even at midday). But it’s doesn’t anymore. Mostly, while in my car, if I get lost, sooner or later the GPS on my phone will get me where I am going. There are only so many directions that a car can go.
But on foot? On foot getting lost is magical!! On foot I can go anywhere there isn’t a no trespassing sign. On foot, I am vividly aware of my surroundings and notice moss on the tops of trees, and sunlight through leaves. I can walk on grass and feel the sponginess of the earth. I can feel the hard, smoothness of the pavement. I can feel the small pressure points of the gravel. (Including the ones that conveniently scrunch their way into the crevices of my sneaker soles).
When I got lost yesterday, I found my dream home. My picture book log cabin, in a knell, surrounded by beautiful garden, old growth trees, and cornering up to the creek. My dream home not 15 minutes away. On foot.
So now? Now I need to keep getting lost, and finding the magical, wonderful, curious treasures. And I have to wish for this house to be ready for me when I am ready for it.
My kiddo Dollified me and I have to say I basically love it. If I had her or her auntie’s eyes, it would almost be accurate! But the messy bun, cat eye glasses, green eyes and necklace are spot on!
I dreamed of a funny, bright, clever, amazing, strong daughter.
I dreamed of raising a girl who was like and unlike me – a girl with some of good traits and all the strength and confidence that I had only dreamed of having.
I dreamed of a daughter that would laugh with me and dance with me in the kitchen.
I dreamed of a daughter who laughed loudly, and was unashamed of her light.
I dreamed of her.
I dreamed that I would be a mama with a spirited girl who I could love, who would love me as well. The universe made my dream come true, bringing me the light that is my sweet girl.
We laugh together, and dance in the kitchen.
She has a loud, beautiful laugh.
She is brave and strong and kind and funny as hell.
She is my dream daughter multiplied by infinite and infinite and infinite.
She makes me laugh and makes me think and loves me almost as much as I love her.
She challenges me and scares me and fills me with pride.
I dreamed of her, and I learned that I did not dream nearly big enough to encompass this dream daughter.
I got lost today. I woke up tired and head-achy. It was windy and rainy and sunny I was tempted to just curl up in bed, and watch Blacklist. But I also wanted to go for a walk and listen to my book. So I just started walking and the sky stayed clear. I found greenery and a creek and hills. I listened to Rachel Hollis to remind me to not give up on myself and felt revitalized. I got lost in nature and came out 2 hours later feeling ever so much better.
Kali J Desautels 