Before KaliDesautelsSpeaks, before KaliDesautelsReads, there was Kalijd. There was a lot of life in the before.

I tend to talk a lot about this season in my life as something I had to get passed to get here, and yes – I had anxiety and depression and an eating disorder and an unhealthy obsession with the size of my waist, and the perfect behaviour of my kids, and a messy house, and a general lack of insight into how other people felt, but it was also colourful and full and beautiful.

My kids had the unfortunate disadvantage to be born to a mom with mental health issues. My family had the unfortunate disadvantage of a self-centred daughter/sister/granddaughter/wife. My friends had the disadvantage of my anxiety and social anxiety and my demanding nature stemming from those anxieties.

BUT there is beauty in this chaos. I was blessed with the most beautiful children, with souls that I could only have dreamed of. I was blessed with a family that was patient and loved me enough to not give up on me. I was blessed with friends that remain, more or less, by my side today.

In honour of #BellLetsTalk day, I am reminding you, me, and anyone else who needs to see it that 8 years ago, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Today, most of the time, I have found my way out and the pictures that I took with me remind me that even if some things sucked, even if somethings make me scrunch my face in shame when they pop into my head, there was, and still is

Beauty in the chaos.

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