Kali J Desautels

I have never been this unhappy in my entire life. I have been more depressed. I have been sicker. I have been more anxious. I have felt like a bigger failure. I have never been this unhappy.

When I am in the throes of a major depressive episode, I think “I am so tired. Life sucks and then you die.” When I am so sick that I can barely move, I think “I feel so horrible, I think I am going to die.” When I am suffering an anxiety attack, I think “oh my god, I am going to die.” When I feel like a failure, I think “well, I might as well be dead, since I have nothing to offer the world.” (You’ll notice that no matter which level of the spectrum I am at, I am pretty dramatic, and death factors in.)

Right now, I don’t feel like the whole world is awful. I know that I am doing my best. I know that I have multiple genuine causes for anxiety. I know that stress makes the body feel sick and weak. I know that there are good things in this world and in life. I feel unending gratitude, which is a significant departure from the numbness and void of depression. I see the beauty in nature. I smile at babies. I cuddle with my kids. I laugh with my friends. But I am desperately, hopelessly, despairingly unhappy.

I am unhappy because I do not know what is going to happen. I feel a complete lack of control in my life. I am unhappy because I am scared. I do not know if my family will be stronger or crumble under the weight of 2019. I am unhappy because my kids are scared and unhappy. I am unhappy because I am overwhelmed. I am unhappy because I do not know how I will manage. I am unhappy because my husband is undergoing major surgery in less than a week. I am unhappy because no matter how much I prepare, I will never be ready. I am unhappy because there is an expectation that I should not be. There is an expectation that I should be fine with my partner of more than 20 years having this surgery, because he will be “fine”. I am unhappy because he is undergoing a surgery that has only been done 1000 times in Canada, and they are not sure about the long term likelihood of cancer reoccurring.

I am tired of being told everything will be fine, because even if it will be fine, it’s not right now; and as much as I want to remain positive, I need to be mindful of our present moment, and this moment sucks. I am unhappy and I need to be allowed to be unhappy. I am hopeful, and thinking positive things, and feel gratitude, and am trying to establish boundaries, and say no, and not take on more than I can handle, and all the things that I am supposed to do in my present situation. But it still sucks. And I am still more unhappy than I have ever been in my life.