Where have I been? I have been hibernating. I have been curling into myself. I have been napping. I have been working. I have been hiding.
I have spoken about my anxiety and depression in the past, so this is nothing new. Nothing insightful. Simply a confession that I have been picking myself back up. I have learned that even the most powerful medicine and deepest desire cannot keep that darkness completely away. Overwhelming, exhausting, imposing, intrusive. Depression doesn’t “go away” I am not cured. It will always be there, lurking. Sometimes, though, it steps forward – it reminds me at times when I need the least reminding that it is still a part of me and beckons me to curl up under a heavy blanket and let it fog my brain over. In the interest of taking control, I made significant changes over the last months. I left environments that caused me pain, I found a peaceful space to rebuild and have found my foundations firming up again. The crumbling is plastered over and has abated. I am mitigating my loss. My lifelines are firm, seeing me slip back, they reached out and pulled me gently back out of the darkness. And tonight, with tea, a hot bath, a sweet candle and my dear, dark Joan Didion, I can feel my depression slip back, and my hope ebb forward once again.
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