Originally intended to simply focus on book reviews, over time, KaliDesautelsReads has morphed into its own entity.
I write about issues that are near to my heart, be they political, feminist, motherhood, mental health, or, as the title holds, books.
A thirty-something Canadian woman in my mid-thirties, I have been “super married” to my high school sweetheart since 2006, and together we have two crazy, clever, kind, hilarious, wonderful kids.
My first book – How Not To Blog: Finding Myself, One Post at a Time is available on Amazon (in eBook formats for you clever tech readers, and paperback for those of us who love that new book smell!)
I have tried a podcast – it’s still on Apple and Google Podcasts – but writing is where my heart is.
My life changed dramatically when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer in 2018, and I am now a writer for a leading Canadian Cancer Non-Profit.
I am lucky enough to have a family that loves me and pushes me to be my best, even if it is outside of my cushiony comfort zone. I have a village of friends that nourish me, mentally, and spiritually.
Welcome to my thoughts. Sit down. Stay a while. Enjoy a cup of coffee!
This. This right here makes my heart happy. Our daughter is at an age where holding hands is not really “cool” anymore (what age did that happen for you?? I swear 10 is too young!!), so to see her willingly slip her little hand into her daddy’s is what makes vacation so amazing! It gives us a chance to reconnect and leave our stresses and affects at home, allowing us to connect more strongly with each other. …
I love coffee. Like LOVE, love, LOVE coffee. More than that, I love coffee in big mugs… so when we were at Green World Organic Coffee Farm and my kids found this mug, it was definitely perfect. …
“I love you MORE than coffee, but not always BEFORE coffee”.
Hawaii Five-0! I love how Komakona puts his face on all of his logos; it cracks me up! Today, while wandering the racks at Ross with my mother and grandmother, I was sporting this cute t, the #wickedsummer2018 sunglasses and my Morris York by Cristina Rodriguez gold watch! Want your own? Use the promo code KDREADS at check out for 10% off your purchase! …
It may not be traditional to have a date night with 7 people, including our kids, but a date is a date! We are here at the Paradise Cove Luau, where we went only 1 month after our wedding. 12 years later, still sunny, still happy, and 12 years more in love, because a lot happens in 12 years and if you are very lucky, and put in the work, especially when it is hard, the hard stuff makes everything stronger. …
Sunset in 11 seconds. The sunset is never as beautiful to me anywhere else in the world than at Ko’Olina. The far West side of Oahu with an unobstructed view of the sun setting on the Pacific. Double tap if this looks like heaven. …
Rest In Peace, Ms. Franklin. Aretha Franklin was so much more than a talented singer. She was at the core of the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s; she was an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse; she was the original “body positive” role model; she held a dozen honorary degrees; and she was fiercely confident. On a personal level, she succumbed to a battle with pancreatic cancer, which also claimed the life of my beloved Grampa. In honour of the late, great Aretha Franklin, please consider donating to Pancreatic Cancer Research. …
One of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed on the island 🌴 is the Orchid Shower to open the luau at the Paradise Cove Luau. I appreciate that a luau of this magnitude is intended for tourists and that this is not typical of Kama’Aina Hawaii, but that doesn’t dissipate the beauty of hundreds of flowers falling on the breeze, from a little palm tree on the beach at sunset 🌅. It is stunning and every time I have had the opportunity to witness it, I have felt the same sense of awe, and the feeling that for just a moment the flowers were suspended in air, before tumbling to the ground at my feet. …
Which way next?? Today we are touring towards the North Shore of Oahu, stopping at the Green World Coffee Farm, and now at the Dole Pineapple plantation. …
If you have been to Oahu, what are your favourite stops? Is there a can’t miss for you?
My friends and family think I am crazy. Not in the “oh isn’t she fun! What a crazy girl!” sort of way, but in the “mad as a hatter” sort of way. They think I am emotional basket case who can be ecstatically happy one day, and debilitatingly sad the next day. They don’t think that they can know what to expect from me if they say something – I may become defensive and angry, or I might acknowledge what they have said and take it to heart.
Why do people that love me think this about me? Why would people who have my best interests at heart feel apprehensive about my moods? Because I am crazy. I am mad as a hatter. My moods swing. I do become defensive, or I will take things to heart. I have had therapists tell me that I should use another word besides crazy, but I like that word. I own it. It feels right to me.
Since I was a little girl, I have battled anxiety. It was undiagnosed and mostly I was told to stop worrying so much; stop biting your nails; stop picking at your skin; cheer up; stop pouting. Before you say anything about this, remember this was the 1980s – 1990s. In my life, and the awareness of my parents, there was nothing wrong with me, I just had these bad “habits”. As an adult, I have learned that what we’re considered habits are actually compulsions and are not so easy for me to control without medication.
This is all backstory, so that when you read my review of Mark Lukach’s heartbreaking memoir My Lovely Wife In The Psych Ward, you will understand where I am coming from. I have never been in the psych ward. I have never had a psychotic break, but I have had to rely on family to be my caregivers. I have been so sick and so depressed that the most I could achieve in a day was to move from my bed to my bathtub. I have had to have my children cared for by my family because I literally could not. So, when my sister-in-law found this book, she thought it would be something I would enjoy and could relate to, and bought it for me for my birthday.
8 months later, I read the book on my flight from Vancouver to Honolulu, and I both related strongly and had an eye-opening “Ah-ha!” moment. Usually when I read memoirs related to mental illness, they are from the perspective of the person with the illness, but this memoir was written from the perspective of the caregiver. That made it so unusual to me, and finally allowed me to see what my family has dealt with. The helplessness, the confusion, the fear, the anger, the resentfulness, the annoyance, the perceived lack of gratitude, the shell shock, the survival mode, the exhaustion, everything.
Lukach and his wife Giulia were college sweethearts, who married young and had what most would consider a charmed life. Giulia was a hardworking, high strung woman, who succeeded in everything she did. She was confident and brave, and then suddenly, upon starting her dream job, she began to descend into anxiety. She lost her self-confidence, she became paralyzed by simple tasks, and began to question everything she did. She began to have trouble sleeping, which eventually brought on her first psychotic break of 3, each brought on by stress and lack of sleep.
Lukach went through the gamut of emotions, including his own bout with depression following a year of helping his wife through her psychosis and suicidal depression. He honestly wrote about the resentfulness of the caregiver when he was not treated with grateful idolatry after Giulia’s return to health. He had his heartbroken again when he learned that the things he was doing to help her actually made her feel smothered and angry.
He wrote in such a beautiful way about how he and Giulia chose to love each other everyday, and chose to redevelop their marriage, on a new, open, platform. Lukach came to understand that part of the Giulia that he loved was not her true self, but rather how she appeared through the lens of his own expectations. He learned that he expected to be treated as her hero, and for her to defer to his decisions, because she couldn’t make decisions when she was paralyzed by pain and illness.
I definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY recommend this book to literally anyone. If you have struggled with mental illness, or love someone who does, or simply seek to understand what it means to care for someone who cannot care for themselves. I sincerely hope that Lukach continues to write, as he and his son move through the seasons of their lives with Giulia.
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Kali J Desautels 