Originally intended to simply focus on book reviews, over time, KaliDesautelsReads has morphed into its own entity.
I write about issues that are near to my heart, be they political, feminist, motherhood, mental health, or, as the title holds, books.
A thirty-something Canadian woman in my mid-thirties, I have been “super married” to my high school sweetheart since 2006, and together we have two crazy, clever, kind, hilarious, wonderful kids.
My first book – How Not To Blog: Finding Myself, One Post at a Time is available on Amazon (in eBook formats for you clever tech readers, and paperback for those of us who love that new book smell!)
I have tried a podcast – it’s still on Apple and Google Podcasts – but writing is where my heart is.
My life changed dramatically when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer in 2018, and I am now a writer for a leading Canadian Cancer Non-Profit.
I am lucky enough to have a family that loves me and pushes me to be my best, even if it is outside of my cushiony comfort zone. I have a village of friends that nourish me, mentally, and spiritually.
Welcome to my thoughts. Sit down. Stay a while. Enjoy a cup of coffee!
“My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes” – Anne Shirley ~ LM Montgomery …
While my family visits the home of my beloved Anne-girl, I am pulled back to the beautiful Avonlea created by LM Montgomery in 1908. There is almost nothing I love more than her little speeches. …
Ok, so you all know that I pray at the Church of Rachel Hollis. That woman is my aspiration. If You know me, you will have heard about her phenomenal book Girl, Wash Your Face. I sincerely feel that that book was the wake up call that I did not even know that I needed. I love it, I love the message, and I love the community that I have discovered in my knowing her.
White Heteronormative Women with “Tribal” hair
But I will not use her word for we band of merry few. I will not say that I am a member of the Chic “Tribe”. I will be a Chic Devotee, a Chic Sister, a Chic Follower, a Chic Fan, but I cannot be a Chic Tribesperson.
Why, you ask? When the word Tribe is a current term in our lexicon for a group of mostly twenty and thirty-something white, heteronormative women? Why won’t I appropriate that to refer to myself and my friends? Because of that little word right there – the 4th one into the sentence? Yeah, that one – appropriate. The word Tribe is being tossed around like it is no big deal, it’s just a word; but this is not true. A Tribe is, by definition, a group of families or people with shared ideals and interests. That indicates a lack of cultural appropriation, correct? A clan is a Tribe. A group of cheerful, hustling women should also be a Tribe, right?
Not in my mind. To me, and to many others, a Tribe is a traditional group or gathered group of First Nations belonging to the same clan, region or traditional land. In many cases, the Instagram Tribes are exclusive of the peoples for whom the word Tribe bears significance. I fully appreciate that there is no ill will intended with the cliquey, floppy hatted, distressed denim wearing influencers who refer to their following as a Tribe, just as I am sure that most people who use terms like “outta your cotton-picking mind” or “gypped” do not realize the innate offensiveness of these words. That, however, does not allow space for those of us who do know to carry on in this manner. If you know better, you are obligated to do better.
As a woman of aboriginal heritage, who presents as a heteronormative white woman, it is incumbent upon me to make these missteps known. I do not say this to attack anyone who has used the term, as I have been guilty of such word crimes myself in the past, and I am sure to slip up again. But not on this topic. Not when I have the option to use so many appropriate words that do not appropriate their meaning from peoples who have been effectively colonized into nonexistence by the ancestors of these Instagram influencers.
So welcome to my village, my community, my group, my inner circle, my fam jam, but not my Tribe. Never my Tribe.
Do you know your “Why”? Why do you wake up every morning and do your best? Why do you go to your job and push yourself to your limits? Why do you cut your children’s strawberries to look like roses in their lunch? Why do you wake up an hour earlier than you would like to so that you can put in some time at the gym? Why do you send your friend an encouraging quote when she is going through a rough time? Why do you say yes to something that you don’t know how to do and then figure it out along the way? Why do you stay up long past bedtime to see sequins onto your son’s dance costume? Why do you stand in the rain to cheer your daughter’s soccer game?
If you don’t know, then maybe now is a good time to figure it out. Why do I suggest that you should find your why? Because I know how lost I became when I did not know my why. When I would rhetorically ask myself “ugh… WHY am I doing this? What is the point??” and I could not answer, I stopped asking, and the narrative in my brain became “I am so depressed. I am so tired. I can’t.” Over time, my “can’ts” became bigger and bigger “I can’t meet new people. I can’t apply for that job. I can’t take my kids there. I can’t be a passenger in a car. I can’t go anywhere where there isn’t a washroom.” One thing after another became inaccessible to me. Wherever I did not have a “why”, my anxiety built a “can’t”. By the time I was 32 years old, I had built a wall of can’t all around me, to the point that I would grill my best friend about every place we were going and every person that would be there, and she stopped telling me if we were going to be meeting someone new, I’m sure out of genuine exhaustion from walking me through every potentiality of what could go wrong upon my meeting these people.
I am not going to lie and say that I had an epiphany and suddenly saw clearly what I wanted and what I needed and I was cured of all of my crippling anxiety, because that is unrealistic and unfair to everyone who is going through the anguish of mental health struggles. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and prescribed Cymbalta. THAT took a sledge hammer to my can’ts, and then I started to pull out my Why. Why did I lug boxes on the graveyard shift at Save On Foods? Because I wanted my husband to find his peace. Why did I organize myself to do meal prep and laundry on Sundays? Because I have kids who need to feel loved in the mornings, not yelled at as they run out the door to school. Why did I commute for a year to an office that made me unhappy on the train for more than 3 hours a day? Because the money was better than I was making and my ambition to provide for my kids began to show. Why did I get a tattoo when I have always been opposed to them? Because I wanted an indelible reminder of where I had come from and what I had endured. Why do I speak openly about my chronic illnesses and mental health struggles? Because I do not want anyone to ever feel the shame and guilt that I felt from these afflictions. Why do I take a nap on Saturday afternoon while the kids are playing? Because I know that my body needs to ready in order to do the things that I want it to do. Why am I pushing myself to develop KaliDesautelsReads when I have a perfectly good job, and this side gig isn’t making me any money? Because I want more for myself and my family. I have an ambition and a creative streak that need to be fed.
So, what is it? What’s your why? What do you want more than anything and why do you want it? When your why is strong enough, there is nothing that will get in your way that you cannot get over.
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“My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes” – Anne Shirley ~ LM Montgomery …
While my family visits the home of my beloved Anne-girl, I am pulled back to the beautiful Avonlea created by LM Montgomery in 1908. There is almost nothing I love more than her little speeches. …
I absolutely love traveling. I love reading about a place and having been there. I love visiting a place I have only imagined. I just love to explore. …
How about you? What are your favourite places? What is on your Bucket List?
Heading camping! Combining car camping + backpacking fills a car in hurry! We weren’t gonna see our niece and nephew until 9 or 10 and didn’t wanna miss out so we decided to take them with us while their parents finish work. I dunno how big @kalijd thinks our car is though cause we said: “make sure the kids have a jacket” and we showed up to 6 bags waiting for us. Our car couldn’t be more efficiently packed. 🤣😂 #lifewithkids #butnotourkids #family #roadtrip #trustkali #surprise #manning #explorebc #goplayoutside #family #vacation #wemakeitwork
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Love my family!!
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Kali J Desautels 